Signs

Some things just strike me as “funny” and I cannot help but get a kick out of them. When you are thrown in the environment I am currently serving in, something may be funny now; but not so funny under most other circumstances. I am not quite sure what category to put what I am sharing here…however, the bottom line is I find it funny NOW and have since my first day here.

The very first time I entered our bathrooms here back in October; I was greeted by a couple of entertaining signs posted on the walls. The first is posted above and is “encouraging” me to conserve energy and water. Apparently, if I fail to do my part there is a likelihood I could actually drown in my own crap. This is where the little bit of rebellion I have actually comes out in me. I laugh at the hyperbole. I’m not certain I see the connection either. Does showering too much or too often serve as some sort of laxative? Will there be more crap if we use more water? Drowning in crap does sound awful…perhaps I’ve stumbled upon THE WORST way to go. On the other hand, drowning in too much dirty shower water…not so bad, relatively speaking. Don’t get me wrong…as a rule; I am against drowning…any drowning. I probably ought to mention that.

My Navy brothers and sisters reading this will be able to relate to the water conservation piece. While haze grey and underway, you are bombarded daily with this sort of propaganda. I recall numerous conversations with my fellow naval aviators on the nuclear powered aircraft carriers mocking such nonsense. An important point to note here is that we aviators were not interested in allowing the facts to interfere with the notion that the ship drivers or “shoes” were not happy unless life was made miserable and difficult for all onboard. In our defense, we aviators had little respect for the “problems” the shoes had like whether to rendezvous underway at 10 kts or 11 kts….tough call! Whether to wake the Captain because there was a “contact” out there at 14,000 yards with a closure rate of 2kts? Constant Bearing Decreasing Range (CBDR)…if one of us doesn’t change our heading in the next 4 hrs, one day we’ll run into each other…theoretically. Apparently, another enormous issue for shoe bubbas down somewhere in one of those bad neighborhoods in the bowels of the ship is keeping fresh water available. As a result, we were constantly reminded that the fresh water levels on the ship were “dangerously” low and we must stop taking “hollywood showers.” I suspect dangerously low was somewhere around 75% full. (This would be the equivalent of panicking when your gas gauge reads ¾ of a tank AND you are driving a vehicle capable of making its own gasoline.) For you regular civilians, a “hollywood shower” is known in the real world as a “shower”…we were briefed/trained to turn water on to get wet, turn water off to lather up, turn water on to rinse, and then off for good. Now, does that sound like any way to live? I rest my case. Cotton Pickin’ SHOES!!

Well, here in Afghanistan they have told us we should limit our showers to 3 minutes. While I suspect this number (3 minutes) was contrived quite arbitrarily with absolutely no analysis behind it, I still have no problem with this rule/guideline. I wake each morning, saunter into the bathroom and proceed to take 3 consecutive showers. For the record, I’m not ankle deep in crap, either.

The other sign posted in the bathroom reads as follows. I am quoting it exactly as it is written. This sign is particularly funny to me because someone went to the trouble to type it, print it, copy it, put it in a plastic thingy, and post it in various places without asking a native English speaker for some advice on its grammatical accuracy. Also, I am really confused about why it was posted in the first place. Our bathrooms are cleaned each day by a locally hired cleaning crew who do a fine job keeping it clean. The residents keep things tidy too….perhaps the sign has worked. The entertainment value should speak for itself:

Dear Gentlemen:
In this building no mother, maid or slave services exist. It is YOUR DUTY to clean up after yourself, please keep this area as you would like find it. If you do not keep it clean, it will be very unhygienic with the result of spreading diseases. Everybody must be more careful where health is concerned and act as adult. If you do not respect this rule, we don’t want to share this building with you. Please contact with Billeting Office to find what you deserve as a place for living.

Folks, never fear! All is good here in Afghanistan. Ol’ Todd is keeping himself and his area clean and tidy despite the tremendous pressure associated with the serious threat/fear of drowning in my own crap.

Peace to you ALL!!